got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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