I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
