dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize