I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
