I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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