Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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