My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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