I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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