I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
