is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
