also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
