Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
