Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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