My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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