Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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