the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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