so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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