At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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