He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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