Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
