he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
