I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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