There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
