I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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