Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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