so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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