Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
