I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
