if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Randomize
