Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
