Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
