I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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