my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
