its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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