I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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