im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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