How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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