It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
