I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
