It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
