Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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