I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
