I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
