my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
