He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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