I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
