This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
