Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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