oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
