my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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