omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
