im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
